This month I arrived at the end of First. I have traveled for a little more than a year–my birthday was my first ‘without,’ then to Valentine’s Day [One of Tom’s favorites..he’d make me coupon books of promises] to Easter, then summer–all of it! Our wedding anniversary. His birthday. Halloween. [Another favorite] Thanksgiving. Christmas, New Year’s. Through January, right up to the day he left. The only time he ever left.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross opined there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When her book came out in ’69 I understood this to be more for the dying, than the ones left behind. Still, there I was, plodding along First. Denial was not a question, it was all very obvious, of the two, I was the pragmatist. And I was experiencing some anger, mainly because Tom always said he would out live me, and frankly, I was …well, angry. I had no time for depression during, so why have it after? And, just who was I going to bargain with? I learned long ago, in first grade, from Mother Govinina, that bargaining could exact a difficult price. I had, years before the actual day, understood we were traveling the same road, but not always ‘with’, so I could tick off acceptance.